About a year ago, I began the task of cleaning up my internet presence. Over the years, for various reasons that largely escape me, I had created a bunch of internet personas, along with email addresses with ties to each address. Each address was tied to various logins, and each received an array of newsletters, blog posts, and other stuff. Sorting through all this was time consuming drudgery. In the end (well, almost the end) I’m now left with far fewer addresses, all with enough purpose that I need to keep them.
I mention all that because as a Pagan and witch, I’ve had various incarnations of myself, witchcraft-wise. During the course of all this internet clean-up, I came to the conclusion that these personas were variations of two basic aspects of my personality, hippie and goth. Around the middle of 2015, I decided to go with hippie. A couple of days ago, it occurred to me that perhaps that was an error in judgment.
The other day I was determined to change my altar. I thought I would make it light and airy, you know, like the breath of spring. So I had that in my mind, but as I approached the altar, I had a complete change of heart. My altar is really goth right now, and I think, awesome. Picture up above is its’ current state.
If you ever watched the show “Chuck,” you might remember how something would trigger his mind to have a lot of things flash before his eyes as he thought about them. That was me when I looked at that altar. It occurred to me that I’ve written a lot about depression in the past months. Depression is nothing new to me, but it seems that it has become more persistent since last fall. What changed last fall? Then it hit me. The hippie persona.
In giving this more thought, and when I say more, I mean that I live in my head a WHOLE LOT, I realized that just maybe in trying to embody the upbeat hippie personality, I was trying way to hard to suppress the melancholy. You know how sometimes the more you try to not think of something, the more you think about it.
I remember writing before about the fact that when I embrace a goth mentality, I embrace the melancholia. In doing so, I’m not expending vasts amount of energy trying to beat it down, which wears me the hell out. It’s not that I succumb to the depression, rather I manage it differently.
With this in mind, and with the fact that goth surrounds me in this house, I’m shifting my psyche and way of life towards that frame of mind. And mindset is largely what we are talking about here. I’m well into midlife, so I’m not going to be wearing black eyeliner or Victorian clothing. But I grew up with goth, watching stuff like “The Addams Family” and “The Munsters.” I grew up watching Hammer films with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing, Mario Bava films, and lots of horror movies. The 60’s and 70’s were just as big for vampires and creatures as the Twilight era.
I’ve embraced the Craft name Patchouli Autumn. This shift in my path has crossed my mind many times recently. If I could stay with one blog, you’d know that I brought up the goth aspects of my life increasingly in the past few months. It’s been lurking, waiting patiently in the shadows.
I’m giving it it’s night in the moonlight. Let’s see what happens from here.